Why doesn't it get any easier?

I wanted to take a moment today to talk about some things I have never posted on my blog before. I wanted to talk a little bit about hardships and feeling unheard lately. I don't even know if anyone will read this but I need to let go of this pain.

 I think a lot of us can relate to this feeling of isolation during tumultuous times. Everyday we wake up to depressing news about some new catastrophe and disgusting crime that some man in power has committed. I am so tired, aren't you? It is so easy to say "don't look at your phone" "don't watch the news" but as a south asian, queer woman I can't afford, no I can't stand, to look the other way.

Don't get me wrong, I do think creating healthy consumption habits are super important and taking time away from social media and the depressing news is essential to keep our strength and sanity. But everyday, I hate to say it, I feel hope just seeping out of me. I have also lost friends over the last 6 years which adds to this feeling of isolation. It has felt so unnerving realizing how we hold onto people we are not compatible with just to avoid loneliness. How often we cling onto an imitation of love just to convince ourselves that others care about us when in reality they never knew how to. And neither did we. 

I know one way to defeat this feeling of hopelessness is to pour ourselves into community and do service work for others. But I can't seem to get myself to do much of anything. All I have felt in this life lately is loss and people have let me down, and I am sure I let them down too. That's definitely my depression talking, but when you can't afford consistent therapy, medication or life, what is one to do? I try to use things I learned when I got my psychology degree but I am exhausted. I feel my degree is the only reason why I have not completely collapsed. 

I want to explain how I have started tying my worth to my income despite knowing how terrible of an idea that is. I do not do it intentionally, but like any dedicated artist, my art consumes me and overwhelms me too. The last few years of running my business has been so fulfilling and nurturing. I got to meet so many wonderful people who feed my soul as much as they fed me and my family. But this last year has been tough. I am beginning to feel so burnt out, at a loss as what to do next. I feel embarrassed to even type this but I didn't even make half of my usual salary in 2024, and 2025 has been just as financially disappointing. I started off strong in February, but my health took a toll and I have just felt myself sinking further and further into sadness and rejection. This has led me to feel like I am not good artist or a good business woman. Whether it is true or not, I can't shake these doubts when I do not make enough money to survive. 

I know it isn't always good form to discuss finances, but I built my brand on being authentic and getting personal in a way most people are not used to. And that is how I honour myself and take up the space that I never felt comfortable taking up when I was younger. I bring up my finances because I think a lot of us can agree that many underprivileged peoples' problems could be resolved with money and community, true community. People love to say "oh it is capitalistic, you do not need money to have a good life" . But those people speak from a place of privilege and delusion. Finances would allow me to seek therapy, get medication, get certification, live in a better environment.  I desperately need to get a more stable job to have benefits and provide a future for myself, and unfortunately in our capitalistic world, I do need money to thrive, and so do you. Anyone who denies it has never had to worry about money or has been extremely lucky to live a blessed life without worrying about rent, or food or their future.

Having stability would allow myself and my partner to not worry about whether we can pay our bills this month or not, get a two bedroom apartment so I can finally have a proper art studio, to save up for our retirement because we have no inheritances and so we can finally go on our honeymoon that we never got to go on.

I want stability to help out my aging retiring parents and I feel like such a failure that I cannot do that for them as the eldest daughter (more on that another day). Every day I wake up with this crippling fear that my life may never get better and I may never have that financial safety I seek. I keep hoping my fears will be proven wrong by myself, but sometimes I wonder...can I even rely on myself? I never thought that I would be feeling these things in my mid thirties. I thought by now it would all have come together and I was naive. All I want is to get off this hamster wheel with absolutely no idea how to do so. Sometimes, it is hard to escape the all or nothing thinking.

It is so easy to say "get a job", "pivot", "have you really tried everything?" "get therapy" but until you have been in my shoes, with auDHD, anxiety and depression, feeling like you had to raise yourself and still failing at being an adult while everyone around you is thriving...you just do not know how hard it is to do all those things. My whole life I have felt like either things came really easy to me, or I just gave up on it. I feel like I was never taught how to problem solve and now I am a 34 year old adult who struggles with solving her own problems and meeting goals. Every time I wanted to do something, my ADHD gets in the way, or I get in the way and I know I need to do something but I can't quite get it done. It hurts to let yourself down like this over and over.

When I got laid off in 2020 and started doing this, I thought my small business would be the only job I would ever need, and every year since I kept making more money and believing in myself.  But now, in 2025, I need a second job...in my mid thirties...I can barely find anything I qualify for because I do not have enough experience in my field or a Masters degree. I know I can do so many of the jobs I see being posted but I feel like noone would even give me a chance because all I have done for the last five years is my business. I feel like an absolute failure. If I was 22 I wouldn't care, but I am 34 and I feel like time is passing me by, and noone is gonna give me a shot anymore. Why does it feel like this?

Having a small business is not as glamorous for me as it is for so many that we see online. I am truly struggling financially and I have no business education to save me from this feeling of loss. I keep wondering when will it be my turn? I don't even know anymore if my business will ever take off like I wish for it to.

And you know, I try so hard to learn social media and I still can't seem to grasp what my audience wants or likes...what do I need to do for thousands of people to see my art and say "I NEED THIS NOW". Am I even meant to do this anymore? I do not know, yet I keep going because the thought of stopping my art and my business breaks my heart. This is the first time in my life I felt like "yes, finally I found my thing and what I love doing". How could I ever give it up? How can I ever find another job that fulfills me like this one? 

I just wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel but lately it has just been so dark. I know my life could be worse and trust me, I try to be grateful for what I have but I just wish one day I could wake up and at least know what it feels like to breathe easy and not worry about the future. I know a lot of us are in this boat, but trust me, if you have a full time job or a job with benefits..you are already winning and you are already doing so much better than me. I would not wish my life on anyone right now because feeling like you are doing nothing for yourself or society is painful. 

My mom used to say growing up "life is suffering". She values Buddhism and I did not want to believe her as a child but as an adult I do. If life won't get any better now what? Just supposed to fight the good fight all for the world to keep on burning anyway? So much pain everywhere. Do we humans even deserve this planet anymore? I truly want to do some good in this world. I want to feel like I am contributing to myself and others in a positive way. And I also want to feel like I am thriving and able to live comfortable.

I wish I knew what I wanted when I was in university so I could have pivoted then and started over. Now I have no money and no osap to go back to school and do what I really want to do. I want to believe it isn't too late, but I won't know until things change. Will things change? Can I even do this? Is anyone listening?

Why doesn't it get any easier?